


Holloway

by magiquemalec (Lliaq)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Gen, M/M, based on the 3x18 promo, brief mention of past suicide attempt, dw Jace is only there for like 5 seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-11 04:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18422772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lliaq/pseuds/magiquemalec
Summary: It was only a matter of time, he'd always known that, somewhere in the back of his mind. And he'd allowed himself to push that voice back, crush and silence it, so foolishly hopeful - but there was always a breaking point. That moment when they realized that it was too much, he was too much, that they were better off without him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just throwing some more angst into the void before I go back to waiting for the wedding and pretending that everything's fine  
> Not edited/beta'd

Magic hums through his veins, electric and _alive_.  
It's everything he's been yearning for for weeks.

_"I'm sorry, Magnus, I'm- I'm sorry."  
"I don't understand-"_

And yet.

He should be happy, ecstatic even. He feels more alive than he has in a long time.  
For weeks he's been obsessed with getting his magic back, his thoughts circling around the topic relentlessly. And now he has it.

 _Alec walks away from him, back straight and shoulders tense._  
_Of course, Magnus thinks bitterly. He should've known._  
_They always go, leaving him in the dust with his heart crushed to pieces. Believing that Alec was different had been foolish._  
_He did always give his heart away too easily._

He's hyperaware of the magic flowing through his veins, of the endless possibilities - he could portal to another city, another country, change his clothes with a snap of his fingers, summon anything his heart desires.  
It's too bad that there's really only one thing his heart desires, and it's the one thing he can't have. Not anymore.

_It was only a matter of time, he'd always known that, somewhere in the back of his mind. And he'd allowed himself to push that voice back, crush and silence it, so foolishly hopeful - but there was always a breaking point. That moment when they realized that it was too much, he was too much, that they were better off without him. And apparently, for Alec, that moment had been last night._

There is no direction, no goal - he's just letting his feet carry him wherever they please. He doesn't have a home anymore.

The thought strikes him as suddenly as the magic had burst back into his body an hour ago.  
_He doesn't have a home anymore_.  
First he lost the loft - and it _had_ hurt. But it was a price he was willing to pay. The Institute was never more than a poor attempt at substitution. It would never have been _home_.  
They were things and places, no matter the memories made, and it had been bearable as long as he had Alec.  
Now though-

He stops as the realization finally sinks in. Someone bumps against his shoulder and he feels himself getting jostled around but he feels so distant from it all.  
He doesn't have anywhere to go.

 _"Magnus, we- we need to talk."_  
_Magnus looks up from his book, a sinking suspicion settling in his gut like rocks. No good conversation has ever started with those words. No good conversation has ever started with someone looking like their entire world had just shattered._  
_It really only takes one look at Alec's face for Magnus to know. He knows._

"It hurts, doesn't it? To be betrayed by the one person you've foolishly put your trust in."  
Magnus whirls around, has only a second to realize what's happening, before Asmodeus puts a hand on his shoulder and they reappear in a far less busy street. As soon as they've landed, Magnus wrenches his arm away and puts a solid distance between them. "What are you doing here? What do you want?" he asks, his mind already running a million miles a minute.  
There's only one thing important enough for Asmodeus to make a trip topside. But if he still thinks he can persuade Magnus to come with him, after _everything_ , he's even more deluded than Magnus thought.  
"Walk with me?" Asmodeus offers, expression carefully blank.  
"No."

 _"No. This isn't- it's not you, Magnus." Alec sighs, running a hand through his hair, and Magnus snorts bitterly._  
_That's about the most cliché thing he's ever heard. Of course it's him- it's always him._  
_"Don't lie to me, Alexander." he says, as evenly as he can, through the heartbreak and anger simmering in his throat. "At least be honest with me." They owe each other that much, at the very least._  
_Alec clenches his jaw and looks away. It doesn't make sense. None of this makes any sense. But Alec's a terrible liar. Truly, one of the worst Magnus has ever met. And Magnus can tell he means every word of what he's saying. Which is exactly why it doesn't make any sense._  
  
_Magnus takes a step forward, slowly taking Alec's hands into his own. "Alexander, please. Tell me the truth."_  
_Alec looks at him with a pained expression, eyes shining with unshed tears. "I can't. I wish I- I wish I could, but this is how it has to be."_  
_Magnus wants to shake him, wants to yell and scream and rip his own hair out. "What happened to 'let me be here with you'?" he asks, not even trying to hide the bitterness in his voice. Alec swallows audibly and steps back. Magnus feels his hands falling to his sides like dead weight and he knows. He should've known all along._  
_"I can't do this anymore. It's over."_  
_There it is. The final nail in the coffin. And his heart goes, breaks, crumbles until it's nothing more than fine ash._

 _"Well, okay, then." Magnus smiles, a sad, bitter thing - but he refuses to break. Not here, not now, with Alec looking at him like he's drinking it all in for the last time. Like they're never going to see each other again._  
_No, he waits until Alec swallows once more, nods, and leaves._  
_He waits until there's no one around to see him shatter into a million tiny pieces._

Magnus rests his forearms on the railing and looks down at the river, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu.  
Back then, Camille pulled him back from the edge when he was ready to jump. Now, even though he has no intention of doing so, there's a firm grip on his shoulder.  
He hates it with every fiber of his being.  
He could shake it off easily. He could portal himself out of here, or better yet- banish Asmodeus back to the hellhole he crawled out of. And yet- something stops him. Some tragic, lost, childish part of himself that still yearns for his father's approval.  
For his love.  
Just thinking about it makes him sick.  
  
"What is keeping you here, Magnus?" Asmodeus asks, and Magnus wants to say that there's plenty of things, even without Alec, but the words get stuck in his throat, glued to his vocal chords with century old insecurities. "You have nothing - everyone leaves you, have you not learned that by now? Everyone except me."  
Magnus closes his eyes, wills himself to- to say something, _do_ something, but he feels frozen, locked in place by his father's words and his own grief.

If someone asked him to choose between his magic and Alexander - he truly, honestly doesn't know what he'd answer. Without his magic he felt lost, drifting in the wind like a cloud of loose dust - he wasn't himself, useless and powerless. He didn't belong in his own body, and living like that for the next fifty or so years? He'd rather die. He almost did.  
But now ... now he's still dust. Magic dust, more himself than before, but scattered still.  
A warlock without his magic is nothing. But what is a man without his heart?

"Come with me. Rule beside me." Asmodeus says, his voice smooth and sure. "Forget the nephilim."

Magnus inhales sharply, his eyes flying open as the pieces click together.

Of course. _Of course_.

There's always a price.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to add to this, but well...here we are ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> 'tis also not edited or beta'd but it's going to get jossed by canon tomorrow anyways so who cares  
> idk what Jace is doing here, he just invited himself, sorry (also I have no idea how to write him, so...apologies)

When Magnus steps out of the portal, he's surprised to see Jace behind the desk, instead of Alec.   
"My apologies." he says slowly, frowning when Jace looks at him with an unidentifiable expression. "I'm looking for Alexander."   
Jace is still staring at him, mouth slightly ajar. 

"Is there something on my face?" Magnus asks.   
"You got your magic back." Jace gapes. Magnus' frown deepens. Clearly, Alec didn't tell Jace about what he did.

"Astute observation." he says absently, eyes wandering over to the door. "And I wish I could chitchat some more, but I have to find Al-"   
"Listen." Jace interrupts him, standing up and crossing his arms over his chest. "I don't know what happened between you two, but Alec's-" he pauses, one hand wandering to his parabatai rune and his eyes growing distant for a moment, before they focus back on Magnus. "He's hurting. A lot. So just..." Jace trails off, and Magnus gets the impression that he doesn't really know what to say. But the fact that Jace can feel how badly Alec is hurting strengthens Magnus' resolve to sort this out quickly.   
He takes a measured breath and smiles thinly. "Rest assured, I don't intend on bringing him any more pain."   
Jace blinks. "Right, yeah. I mean, I know that. I'm just-"   
"Worried?" Magnus guesses. Jace sighs. "Yeah." Then he gestures at the door. "He's in the training room."   
"Thank you." Magnus nods at him and breezes past Jace, pace quickening now that he doesn't have to curb his impatience for the sake of manners.

The rhythmic sounds of flesh hitting a punching bag reach him long before his eyes settle on Alec's sweat drenched back.

"Alexander."   
Alec freezes, but his breaths are coming in sharp bursts and Magnus can see the way his shoulders curl in.

It only lasts for a moment.

Alec turns, shoulders straightening, face wiped blank of any emotion and his hands clasped behind his back.   
"Alexander." Magnus says again, taking a step closer. "Why didn't you tell me?"   
"Tell you what?" Alec asks. He's trying so hard to maintain the facade of an emotionless solider, but Magnus knows him to well. He sees the jaw that is clenched a little too tight, the fingers that are restless and trembling, hears the tremor in his voice. Magnus sighs. "There's no need to pretend. I know about the deal you made." 

Alec deflates visibly and expels a shaking breath. "I couldn't." he says, shaking his head, his eyes pleading Magnus to understand. "It was part of the deal."   
That certainly sounds like something Asmodeus would put in the fine print.   
Magnus takes another step closer, cradling Alec's face in his hand. Alec's eyes slip shut, but the pained expression remains.   
"I'm sorry." he whispers. "I know I shouldn't have gone behind your back, but I- I couldn't just watch you be in pain and do _nothing_." Magnus swallows thickly, weighing his words before he speaks, but Alec beats him to it. "Tell me you wouldn't have done the same. If our roles had been reversed, tell me you wouldn't have done whatever you could to save me."   
Whatever words Magnus had prepared die instantly on his lips. Because they both know that Alec is right. Not only would he have done the same - he already did. It's the reason they're in this mess in the first place, and there's nothing he could say to refute that. Alec looks at him, searching, and nods when Magnus doesn't answer.   
  
He takes a step back and smiles sadly. "We both know that this, us-" he gestures between them, "was always going to be temporary."   
Magnus opens his mouth to object, but Alec shakes his head. "You know it's true, Magnus. I'm going to die and you'll...move on. It was always going to end like that. But your magic? That wasn't supposed to happen."

"No, it wasn't. But it was my choice to make." Magnus says, his gaze firmly locked with Alec's. "And I'd do it again, if I had to."   
But even as he speaks the words, he begins to doubt them. When he made a deal with his father, he knew that giving up his magic would be painful.   
What he didn't know was just _how_ painful.

Alec sighs and shakes his head. "Well, it doesn't matter now. You got it back."   
"And all it cost me was my heart." Magnus says, tone deliberately sarcastic. "What a steal."   
A muscle in Alec's jaw twitches.   
"It was worth it."   
"That's not for you to decide." Magnus snaps. He takes a deep breath, reigning in his anger, and closes the distance between them, taking Alec's hands into his own. "That wasn't for you to decide." he says again, softer.   
"I need my magic, yes. But I also need you."   
"Magnus..." Alec breathes, the one word somehow chock-full of desperation. He sucks in a sharp breath, eyes glassy. "You can't have both. Not this time."

"Yes, yes I can." Magnus, resting their foreheads together. "We can."   
Alec tries to pull away, but Magnus holds on tight. He's lost Alec once before, and he's not going to do it again.   
"What about Asmodeus?" Alec whispers.   
Magnus laughs wetly. "I banished him back to Edom."   
"What?" Alec stares at him with wide eyes. "You-"   
"My father won't be an issue anymore." Magnus says. Alec is still staring at him as if he can't quite believe what he's hearing. "You mean, we can..."   
"Be together?" Magnus finishes gently, smiling when Alec nods. "Yes."   
Alec lets out a relieved sob and throws his arms around Magnus, practically crushing him in a hug. Magnus returns the embrace all too willingly.

Not everything is resolved, there's more they need to talk about, but for now - he just wants this. To hold the man that loves him so much he was willing to break both of their hearts to save his life.   
For now, that's enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: there was a whole thing about apples and oranges there that didn't actually make it onto the paper(screen), but it's what annoyed me enough to actually sit down and write something

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading  
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://lliaq.tumblr.com)


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